The Perfect Drug
by meniscus
Summary: woe on yee who tries to read my story. a fic featuring a certain potions teacher as a hommicidal 17 year old-probably *not* for faint hearts. please read & review!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I did not invent these characters or their setting

Disclaimer:I did not invent these characters or their setting.Everything in this story belongs to J.K. Rowling.(To whom I apologize profusely) Closing words from the Nine Inch Nails song 'perfect drug' (don't worry folks, NOT a song fic, I repeat…)

Note: well, I've been knocking this idea around for a while now…and I figured I better get it over and done with before school starts, if you know what I mean….anyway, enjoy!

****

He had never noticed someone in that way before, and now, he had it so bad, his mouth watered at scarcely a glance of her bare legs._God_, he wanted her. And this was not some mere insipid crush; this was a heart rushing, breath straining, blood-pounding, passionate feeling, that made him ache in ways he at first found quite horrifying. And, miserably, to make matter worse…he utterly despised the sight of her face.

She seemed too perfect.That was it, her hands.Those smooth, creamy hands, with their blue nail polish. He wanted to take their softness in his grasp, and break the long graceful fingers.Burn them.See her green eyes turn moist and shine with tears…

"Severus, how much of the potion are we going to need to pass?"Asked a seventeen-year old Lucius Malfoy pensively.

What would her scream sound like?

Severus stared hopelessly across the room towards Gryffindor table, he had been expecting this for a while now: Their potions assignment was to create a properly functioning polyjuice potion.The projects would be due soon.

"Hello? You in there?"Lucius waved his hand obnoxiously in front of Severus's blank gaze.He knew his peer was not a morning person.

Irritated, Severus snapped his attention at Lucius.

"What if I tell you I can't spare any?"He poked at his breakfast, annoyed with himself for always doing other peoples homework.

"I don't think you'll want to find out."Replied Lucius softly; then, noticing, that as usual, his threat was having no great effect on Severus, turned and fell dramatically to his knees beside the table.

"Oh come on man!I always pay you the best!I just need enough for one dose; can't you spare me a little?Please, I was doing everything perfectly until last night…and that-- that's record, you know," he added righteously.

Severus rolled his eyes."You snuck out last night and went on a date with that slut.You could have stayed in and saved yourself _a lot_ of money."

"Ah…but money is something I have _a lot_ of!Nice to see we're getting somewhere, buddy!" exclaimed Lucius, draping an arm over Severus's shoulder.

Severus made a face and removed the arm.

"Hey, loosen up, you're not going to get any ladies if you're stiff like a corpse all the time."Lucius looked hard at Severus, a new expression crossed his face."Say…when _was_ the last time you had a date?"

"Does it matter?Is my answer going to change the course of your life?Why are you suddenly scrutinizing me about girls?" Severus demanded, a touch too abruptly.He glared at Lucius.Lucius started laughing at him.

He licked his lips and asked: "But do you _like_ anyone?"

Severus bowed his head; "you see the red head over there? In Gryffindor?" He muttered through his teeth.

Lucius scanned the table."Wh—do you mean Lily Evans?"

Severus nodded quickly, his face turned scarlet.The first time she'd caught him staring she'd burst out laughing and refused to tell anyone why.

Oh!How _unspeakably_ funny, Severus Snape likes you.Hah…hah. 

The truth was, he didn't _like_ her.He _hated_ her:She was one of those people who didn't seem real. There was a sort of eerie contentment about her that put his nerves on end.The way she walked; softly, gracefully, as if on water…

--But _hey_, he'd never get closer than five feet.

"Damn it!He's staring at you again!" whispered Monica loudly, snickering through her nose on the other side of the room.Lily smiled tiredly.

"I know, I know…I hope for his sake he gets over this soon."

"_His_ sake?What about _your_ sake? Suppose he actually asks you out!"Monica covered her mouth and nose to prevent more laughter from escaping.

Lily smirked sharply, "oh come now, do you honestly think he would? …Look at me—now look at him."

A hiccup of air hissed out from behind Monica's tightly clapped hand."_Ah_…well, _he's_ looking at you!"

Lily primly pushed some stray hair behind her left ear, and looked mischievously over at Severus.He was no longer staring."I'm going to ask him out," she said.Monica gagged.

Later that same day, after classes, Severus was alone in the library, when he heard quiet footsteps approaching.Someone was humming.

"Hey Stranger," purred a voice behind him.Hastily, he jammed the copy of 'Nosferatu' he was reading back into the shelf and turned to face the speaker.

"Lily?"

"What were you looking at?" she asked innocently, searching the shelves in front of him.

"Ehhh…. never mind," he said, peering around; trying to see what Lily was doing there.

"I saw you looking at me this morning," she told him, stepping nearer.

"I was not."

Lily grinned, like something about this was too funny for her, "yeah, you were."

"Why would I be? You're annoying."

Lilly tilted her head and twisted a tendril of hair coquettishly around her index finger."But I'm pretty."

"And _so_ modest.What do you want, Evans?"

"You're failing Charms, Severus.How about I give you a little lesson?"

His jaw dropped."You're kidding right?This is joke."The corner of Lily's mouth quirked, 

"I don't want you to fail Charms!That's an awful thing to say."

"Oh my God!" Severus breathed, backing away.

"You know, you're almost cute when you look dumbfounded."

"Shut-up!" He cried, blushing madly.

"So, how about nine…tonight?" 

He could feel his heart beating very quickly _thump! thump! Thump!_He swallowed and nodded, wordless._What about James?_Lily smiled her sharp smile, and waved as she vanished behind a maze of bookshelves.That elegant hand of hers would never be the same if it got broken.Severus let all his breath out in one shivering sigh.

She was _teasing_ him.How cruel—and he'd barely spoken two words to her in nearly seven years.Now she would probably get James Potter in on it, and humiliate him beyond his worst nightmare …or no, wait, they'd need Sirius Black to help pull that off. Oh well, _no worries there._And yet, he felt his anxieties dissipating.He really didn't care: He'd sneered at so many other heart brake cases, laughed at enough declarations of love, and now, it was his turn to be reduced to an idiot.

So be it. Agony was just part of the package, what more could someone like him hope for in love?Severus began to pace, and slowly, carefully, began to paint himself into a grand masterpiece of delusions. 

It was not a dark night.The moon was waxing and half full, the stars were bright and clouds thin.In the middle of the Hogwarts quidditch field, lay two people: One with long ringlets the colour of a smoggy sunset, and the other with black hair that needed washing.

"That's mine, right there," said the former, pointing to Capricorn in the sky."Where's yours?"

Her company shrugged."I don't know…I don't think you can see it right now…I dropped divination years ago."

"Aw, you're no fun…divination is a bird coarse, everyone knows that."

"I know, and I couldn't even fill the minimum requirement."

"What would that be?"

"Staying awake."

The two laughed and threw grass at each other over some small joke.Then one suddenly stopped, and looked up into the night."What's the matter?"Asked the other, sobering abruptly.

"Nevermind, I forgot." 

Soon, the couple parted, "can I see you again?" called Severus after Lily's retreating back.

"Yeah, okay…how's the night after tomorrow's?" she replied, waving goodbye in the moonlight.

Back in his dorm bed, Severus was filled with a sort of melancholy.A helpless feeling, that he couldn't put his finger on.If he'd known the name, he might have felt better.But slowly, that emotion was replaced with another: fear.

He tossed and turned in his bed, while shafts of moonlight fell on the floor, barring him from sleep. Things prickled down his spine and shoulders, on his legs and over the backs of his hands. Like insects skittering across his body.Several times a night he threw off his tangled covers, just to make sure there really was nothing crawling on him.

The next day, was a bad day.But it started out nice: with a dark blue sky, bright sunshine, and the slightly buzzed feeling that came from having a first date.Lucius even gave him a little something of a down payment on the polyjuice potion.

Severus daydreamed his way through classes, thinking about Lily with moonlight in her sweet smelling hair, while doodling pictures of the electric chair at different angles.Muggle capital punishment was quite fascinating, really.He thought about what Lily would look like, sitting on that chair, with its metal cap on her head.Just before the electrical currents made her jolt, and jolt, and _jolt_… A guilty cramp, like lump of cold, smooth metal wound it's way into his stomach.Bad thoughts.

It wasn't until after classes though, when Severus was starting to feel unbearably smug, that he heard two familiar voices, talking quietly:

"I love you," said one.

_Love?_ Severus smirked and continued listening from behind a corner; _this should be good_.

"Do you?You told me that before, I don't know if you mean it."

"I do.I would rather die than loose you."

A short laugh, "do you have any idea how corny that sounds, James?"

"Yeah…forgive me…but you want corny?I memorized some Shakespeare for you!"

"Ohh, you did?" a mixture of sarcasm and genuine emotion."What?"

"One of Hamlet's speeches."

"_Why_?"The voice carried a wrinkle of confusion and disappointment.

"Kidding!"Said James brightly, "it was one of his sonnets."

"Alright…let's hear it."

"Ahem," he started with dramatic flair, 

"_Let me not to the marriage of true minds_

_Admit impediments.Love is not love_

_Which alters when it alteration finds_

_Or bends with the remover to remove._

_O, no!It is an ever-fixed mark that_…that—er…" 

Severus heard the sound of paper being unfolded.James continued with more confidence, and less drama.

"_That looks on tempests and is never shaken; _

_It is the star to every wand'ring bark_

_Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken._

_Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks_

_Within his bending sickle's compass come;_

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,_

_But bears it out, even to the edge of doom_…" James broke off.There was the sound of a kiss._Love? _He's_ talking to _he_r about _love, how _dare_ he!Another kiss.Severus turned the corner and walked right past them, not even glancing at the interlocked pair.Lily screamed.

Love, yeah _right._

That night, Severus lay in bed, eyes open, stiff with mortal fear. He kept hearing Lily's scream.Was she scared of him?_You_ _idiot_.He thought, and squeezed his eyes shut—started doing times tables.

17x2=34 17x3=51 17x4=68 17x5=85…

It got very dark in that room. And quiet, so you couldn't hear people breathing...Severus often wondered if Someone hadn't quietly suffocated all the others.And he wondered if they were just standing over his bed, waiting to kill him too.He didn't move.He forced himself to breathe quietly and slowly.Kept his eyes closed tight.The sheets clung to him, hot and itchy, while his feet in contrast, were freezing.He lay like that for hours, waiting for sleep. 

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,_

_But bears it out, even to the edge of doom_…

Most of the next day, Severus spent trying to avoid the two 'lovers'… and then he remembered he had to see Lily.At first he decided not to go, after all, _she_ was probably going to stand _him_ up.But, gradually, the desire to see her overrode all his other senses of the situation, and he showed up:

"Severus…about yesterday, well…" Lily began, looking lovely and slightly nervous.

"Well, _what_?"

"Look…I think I love him…we're going to be serious, you know, and give it a try, he says he's going to surprise me tomorrow night," she eyed Severus, waiting for a reaction.He thought he was going to be sick.

"He recited you half a poem, _half_ goddamn poem and you're in love?" He felt a bit feverish.Like when he lay sleepless in bed, twisted in mass of sweaty sheets. His pulse hammered in his ears.

"He _loves_ me, I don't care about the poem."

Severus jerked the collar of his shirt violently and looked at the stone floor.They were in the great hall, and pale moonbeams flittered through the stained glass windows.

"Does he?Does he _really_?" he fixed his eyes on her darkly, voice rising and sounding strained, he continued:"What is _so_ wonderful about James Potter?Why is he such a saint?How do you know he loves you _so bad_?Is he THAT special?IS HE SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?IS HE!?"

Lily put to head to one side, and stepped away from him, her face apathetic."Goodnight," she replied coolly, and began walking away, as if on water_._

"LILY! NO –WAIT!I'M SORRY!"He tried to follow, but the ground lurched dizzily under his feet.He _was_ going to be sick.

He grabbed a chair and sat down.In the silence of the immense room he yanked at his shirt again.A stifling, despairing sort of hate began to fill him like slow poison.He thought it was love.

That night Severus fell asleep at the table; he woke up the next morning sore, and unable to think about anything other than killing James, and putting Lilly through has much pain as possible.

Hang the _saint_ upside down for hours, hit him over the head with his quidditch broom, and then, finally, blow his swollen head off with a combustion spell.A martyr for the Happy Shiny people.Marvelous. There would be a big mess; so Severus would need gloves.

Maybe he would even tape the thing on a cassette, and play it back to Lily.She'd be tied up and start to cry.He'd move towards her: Oddly, he knew he still wanted her. Though, not in _quite_ the same way.His desire had increased, and darkened; he wanted violence, and pain, and to make her go _jolt! Jolt! Jolt!_Fuck her, make her nauseated, make her scream, make her want to die… _Oh god no!_

Severus rolled off his chair and fell helplessly to the floor of professor McGonagall's classroom._He was in transfiguration? How'd he get there?_

A thin sheen of sweat had broken out his forehead and he was breathing heavily."Sick, professor, feel so sick," he groaned.McGonagall asked him something, to which he could not reply. Someone pulled him to his feet.

"Take him to the medical wing, Malfoy," he heard McGonagall say.Still gasping for breath, Severus found himself being led out of the classroom by Lucius.

The door clicked shut behind them."This wouldn't have anything to do with Evans, would it?" asked Lucius.Severus nodded, rubbing his chest.

"How did you know?"

Lucius stared blankly."The whole school knows, Severus.Potter _is_ rather well liked, so's Evans…honestly man," he shakes his head at Severus."You seemed out of it this morning, but _god_…"

"I hate them.I hate them," Severus ran a hand through his hair.He stared at the lines in his open palm, agitated.Gently he squeezed the hand into a fist.

Lucius watched him cautiously."Aw, look, it's not a big deal.Girls are all foolish; get another one.You shouldn't care about them too much, it's not worth it."

"I want to kill James."

"What?Did you just hear what I said?It is not worth loosing your head over some tiny little heart break."

Severus glared at Lucius."_Heart broken?_ Did you just say I was _heart broken?_"His tone was sharp, but voice like velvet."I AM _NOT _HEART BROKEN!" he snapped, the looks exchanged between Lily and James in class, racing through his mind.

"Give it some time, Snape.Think about it!You might regret your actions!" called Lucius, his mouth smirking slightly inspite of himself.

"You watch your mouth, and I'll watch your potion until tomorrow," replied Severus, his voice already faint from down the hallway.And then an idea hit him.

It sparked in his mind like a flame, making his soul shiver hotly, fearful of being burned._The polyjuice potion…and James going to surprise her…_ Severus couldn't have planned it more perfectly, and it had been right there, in front of his face the whole time.

"Potter, walk with me?"

James looked away from the library shelf in surprise."Snape, hey…alright."

-To be Continued-

****

Note: Thanks for reading ;0) and…Ohh, look, look! A cliff hanger! Whow!And don't worry, if you think this is very long, it's almost over. (ominous music, please…)

By the way… all out there who want to see Lily do matrix moves on Snape, raise your hands ;0)--not that it'll make a hoot of difference. (louder ominous music) Please review. 


	2. next

"Potter, walk with me

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters…I already did a disclaimer, but I'm doing one again out of reverence of J.K. Rowling(plus, I'd be dead if she wanted to sue)

Note: this is it.The end, please enjoy.

****

"Potter, walk with me?"

James looked away from the library shelf in surprise."Snape, hey…alright."

They left in silence."So…what did you want to talk about?" asked James, a little shocked by his company.

"Lily.Do you have any idea how lucky you are?" said Severus, incapable of keeping a resentful bite out of his voice.

James looked at him and almost smiled."Yeah, I know…every morning I wake up thinking about her."He hesitated, and plunged on, "I heard that you… you wanted to have something with her too?"

Severus nodded slightly.

"I was just going to meet her tonight, by that tree, on the lake? I saw _this_, and I knew she'd like it," James pulled out a leather box and opened it, showing Severus a black choker with a silver sakura flower fastened to it's center.

Severus made a vague noise, the dull gleam of the flower hitting his eyes like a splinter.

"Well, I love her," continued James. "Cheesy as it sounds, it's not really so romantic a thing though…not like in the books or movies, you see."He became more thoughtful as he spoke, " I want to marry her some day—I know, I'm still young, but I want to share my life with her."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"What?" James's expression changed.

"I said, I'm sorry to hear that," repeated Severus with the same abruptness, pointing his wand at James.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" asked James.

A storm of confusion filled Severus.What the hell was he doing?What was he getting himself into?_God…_

"_Stupefy!_" his voice sounded far off, like a recording; James, who'd started for his own wand fell to the floor in a heap.Severus picked him, draped a limp arm over his shoulder, and threw James—not quite roughly to the floor of an empty classroom.He took off James's glasses and found the box containing the choker.He pulled out a hair as well.

Severus then put a locking charm on the door and hurried off to the potions room, where he found his cauldron smoking along with thirty others.They would be due the next day.

He took a deep breath and ladled himself a dose. He had one hour.The potion hissed and turned a dark red as Severus dropped the hair in.

You might regret your actions… 

His heart began to race and wave of nausea passed over Severus-- it just looked so much like blood.Screwing up his face, he downed the whole thing in one gulp.It tasted awful.

Instantly, a sharp pain shot up through his middle, Severus stumbled and fell weakly against a wall, his entire body searing as if it was on fire.He moaned, terrified he'd done something wrong.With a start, he noticed his fingers, and the rest of his skin; he watched with faint horror as it bubbled and congealed like boiling soup.He was going to scream –_Oh god__don't scream!_Severus sank to the floor, gagging and holding his melting body; simply praying it would stop... 

And then it did.He was about an inch shorter, and his skin much pinker.There were calluses on his fingers, from quidditch, and the whole room was out of focus.He found the glasses he had taken from James, and put them on.

Shakily, Severus pulled himself off the ground, and checked his watch; he had an hour.An hour to be James: an hour free of teasing, to be good, and better looking, and of course, to have Lily.He had to laugh, just _had_ to.It was funny.

Five minutes later, he crossed the grounds outside Hogwarts and saw Lily, sitting with her back against a graceful birch tree. The sun was nearly set, and the forbidden forest was silhouetted purple and black against a flame-orange sky.

He moved up behind her silently, and threw an arm over her eyes.Lily screamed, and Severus felt a shiver run through her."Boo." He heard James say.Lily relaxed.

"Hey stranger, you surprised me," she laughed, her face soft and silky to the inside of his hand.

"I've got something for you."

"Ooh! What is it? What is it?" cried Lily, holding out her hands in mock greed.

Severus placed the leather box into her expecting grasp and took his arm away.Lily opened the box with and snap, and stared at the choker."It's gorgeous…oh James, thank-you, _thank you_," she said, looking deep into his eyes with an expression so warm, Severus smiled, despite the _James_ part.Lily took her present out of the box and put it on, centering the flower with a deft pull.As she did so, the metallic petals caught a last ray of daylight, for a second, Severus saw the glow in James's eyes when he talked about Lily.

I love her.I love her.I love her.I love her.I love her.I love her.I love her… 

Very suddenly, he felt her mouth on his.He was almost eighteen years old, and he'd never been kissed.Never, not once.He thought he was going to melt.No, _not_ like with the polyjuice potion, but slowly, and smoothly. He could feel her warmth in the increasing cold of the evening, her breasts against what was _almost_ his chest, and taste peppermint in her mouth.

But then he felt himself locked out.Locked out of this perfect scene, and wanting, wanting desperately in.It was James and Lily together, and no matter what he did, he would always loose.Dragged away and alone again, his mind surged back through all the many dark nights he'd spent sleepless at Hogwarts, made almost physically ill from homesickness.A young boy, refusing to cry, refusing to need friends, refusing to care.Aching for comfort.

And now, as he looked at this lithe creature pressed into him through enemy's eyes, he realized he'd never been in love.Never.He _hated_ her, with all his heart and soul.

Severus reached around her neck, and tore off the choker.Lily stopped immediately and stared at him."What the matter with you?" she demanded.

Severus did not reply, but moved to kiss her again.She stuck out an arm to stop him, "answer me."

Again, he did not.But this time he grabbed her delicate shoulders and slammed her into the ground.He moved onto her.Lily's eyes widened, "oh don't do this, James.I love you, don't do this, I'm not ready…" every muscle in her body tensed.

"I've wanted this _so badly_, and trust me-- love has _nothing_ to do with it," he whispered breathlessly, unbuttoning her shirt.

Lily opened her mouth to scream, but Severus stifled it with a hand.His heart was pounding so hard it hurt._Thump-thump-thump._He didn't want to do this.He was scared._You idiot!_He was going to regret this later.

Strangely, Lily relaxed under him.He took his hand away from her mouth, hoping against common sense she wouldn't scream again."James, I'll do this thing for you.It will be the last thing we ever do together, but I'll do it…because you want it so, and I love you, James…"

Severus pulled away from her like she'd shown him a bomb."Don't say that."

"It's okay, James."

"Stop that."He stood up and began backing away towards the school.

"But James--"

__"Ughh!"An odd sensation began prickling all over his body.His hour was up.He'd ruined everything.

"James?!"

"SHUT UP!SHUT UP YOU BITCH!"He ran faster than he ever had, and ever would in his entire life, at that moment.He pulled off the glasses he'd stolen, no longer needing them anymore.He wanted to scream, to vomit, he wanted to be hit hard and loose consciousness.He couldn't believe what he'd almost done.

Severus lurched through the doors of Hogwarts, and found himself standing face to face with Headmaster Dumbledore, and James Potter._Oh god…_

i come along but i don't know where you're taking me

i shouldn't go but you're reaching, dragging, shaking me

turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky

the more i give to you, the more i die

and i want you

and i want you

and i want you

and i want you

you are the perfect drug…

-Finis-

****

Note:Yay! It's done ;0) thanks for reading!Not as bad as it was starting to look…And so sad….*sniff sniff*Oh but, Snidgey, don't worry about Snape—he can take care of himself.(as I trust you know)

thanks to all you people who reviewed ;0) this was my nervous wreck fic i wrote 10 hours before going back to school. i did my best considering the state of mind i was in.Please review, i know im rambling, so sorry...Snape wanted to go through with it, i tell you, he did...but then, well...i dunno...the L word did something horrid to him.Ick. Again, please review.and thanks!Oh and, if you picked this up on author alert already, I'm really sorry ^^; ff.net was crashing everytime I tried to upload so, I'm playing it safe


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